them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
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Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and Iâm looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it canât hurt to try
If your partner keeps saying âwe need to refine our packagesâ on their zoom youâre left with no option but to text âIâll refine your packageâ causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I left this letter from âManagementâ on the doors of an apartment complex
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
âI donât need muchâ is teenager for âI may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.â
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem đ„č
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a âfun-sizeâ candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? đ«đ
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Angry like someone whoâs gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are ÂŁ1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesnât want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
You hear the words âgamer girl bath waterâ and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.