Always.
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-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.