It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
it must be school picture day
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
How times have changed.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register