Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
never ask a starfish for directions
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.