My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe