Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first