JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.