co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
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I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas