Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
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Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch