When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
😲 WTF? 😆
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies