*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
You Might Also Like
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”