Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”