The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
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I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born