Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
You Might Also Like
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.