lost dog
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
good work, detective
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”