Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case