Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁