There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!