I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My life in a nutshell
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.