MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
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I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪