bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Some people were born into their job.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My boss called in sick of me
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.