Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Who did it better?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.