I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
You Might Also Like
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?