Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
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boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
One venti cheeseburger please.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
do mermaids get waxed or descaled