Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.