Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.