Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
You Might Also Like
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I laughed at this way too hard.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping