Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
You Might Also Like
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Waiting for the Charmin
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…