someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Yep.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
No regrets in 2018