Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I forgot how to panic. Help
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game