Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I am HOWLING at this
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.