I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!