i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
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Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.