SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”