No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.