therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The happy life.. 😊
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.