Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Nothing to do, you say?
Truth
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!