GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
A man of commitment.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?