Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.