[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage