When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first