I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
wait.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
smartest karate player in the world
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.