I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
When news reporters do sports stories