Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
❤️🦆
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be