Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
this is 10/10 content no notes
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be