I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
2023 was just a warmup
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.