I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.