you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
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Never mess with a drunken pig.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.