Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*