I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Mornin. * use accordingly
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.